Can you smell that? The pumpkins are still rotting on you neighbors front porch and you’re just finally getting over the turkey coma you fat fucks. Brush the apple pie crumbs off of your tits, drown yourself in the last bits of pumpkin spice lattes you can gather, and those of you who are still standing prepare yourselves for the one of the greatest times of year for ho ho horror movies! Christmas? That’s right, I said Christmas is one of the best times of the year for Horror movies. You wanna watch Rudolph with your 3 year old niece to show her the real meaning behind Christmas… she doesn’t fucking care. She wants to see blood and guts and a big fat man in a red suit chopping off limbs. Enough of the inspirational mushy movies in December, I want a 25 day Ho Ho Horrorthon and I demand these 5 movies to be in it.
Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys
Right off the bat you know for a fact this movie is going to be ridiculous. Any movie with Vs in the title is destined for mediocrity, cough cough Batman v Superman cough, but that where this movie shines. You enter into it with low expectations knowing you’re here for a good laugh and some cheesy gore. Honestly, I am terrified of puppet, and the Puppet Master movies are still great pieces of horror art. Demonic Toys on the other hand was the Walgreens Cola to the Puppet Master’s Coke, and somehow these two incredibly unique movies come together in the most ridiculous fucking fashion ever. An evil toymaker is trying to get the magical puppets of the Toulon family, so she decides to send over the package of Bael’s demonic toys to the great grand nephew of the original movie’s Andre Toulon, who just so happened to developed a potion to revive these puppets at the perfect time. What follows if cheek biting, cringe worthy dialogues and scene after scene of toys fighting puppets. You have nothing to do this weekend besides shake off a hangover, so take the hour and 20 minutes to watch this hidden gem.
No I’m not talking about Michael Keaton’s Jack Frost that just perpetuated his inevitable decline in the late 90s…You were once Batman, God damn it. Another campy horror comedy about a serial killer whose transport hits a genetic engineering truck fusing the killer with…SNOW. What follows is the resurrection of Scott MacDonald as a murderous snowman, whose only goal is to kill everything in his path and exact vengeance against the sheriff who arrested him. The movie is filled with a slew of campy murders and terribly cheesy one liners, but this is exactly what horror fans need at this time of the year.
Nightmare Before Christmas
OK OK OK, not necessarily considered a horror movie, but you can’t mention a Christmas movie without a Nightmare Before Christmas. The quintessential Halloween AND Christmas movie. It is a perfect combination of your typical brilliant Disney movie crosses with the grotesqueness of Tim Burton’s creature developments. Watch the movie and I can guarantee if 90% of the creatures designed could be absolutely terrifying in an actual horror movie setting.
The most recent entry on the list to come out, but Krampus in my mind is a modern day Christmas version of Evil Dead. Yes I know this may be a stretch of a comparison, but a family is stuck in an environment in which a demonic force is out to kill them, throw in a great comedic relief from a group of talented actors, and you have a night filled with murderous terrors. Ash, stuck in a cabin with his friends and girlfriend, demonic force comes to kill them, hilarious slaying ensues. See what I mean. Every member of the cast played the roles perfectly including the children which is rare especially in horror movies.
The ideal “monster” movie for the Christmas spirit. Another horror comedy based around Christmas where a group of adorable little Mogwai unfortunately get fed after midnight… cmon Billy, you had 3 rules, no sunlight, no water, and no food after midnight. You literally fucked all 3 of them up. Each Gremlin was equipped with their own funny personality eliminating a horde like horror movie feel. It is relatively light hearted, hinted with comedic relief, and the bring out a great mix all under a horror tent with mistletoe and all.
Let me know what you guys think in the comments. What other ho ho horror Christmas movies do you think belong on the list