Pinch me I must be dreaming… Nope? Am I still unresponsive? Start shaking my lifeless body, and if I show no signs of waking, just leave a Gatorade and 4 to 8 advil next to my motionless heap of waste. If you don’t hear from me in the next two days, check back in to see if I’m starting to decay, or just hating and regretting my life decisions even more than I typically do.
ANYWAY. Apparently the drink once referred to as “Blackout in a Can” is making its third triumphant return in hopes of selling out liquor stores and poisoning our livers all over again. If you weren’t old enough when the original wave of Four Loko hit shelves, don’t worry because I wasn’t either. However, that did not stop me and the rest of my alcoholic friends from weaseling our way into the fad and regretting every moment we remembered and the vast majority of the ones we don’t. The original Blackout in a Can was just an arizona iced tea can with way too much booze and 2 and a half redbulls worth of caffeine pumped into it. Have you ever heard the stories about how the amount of sugar in a regular Coke can in its solid physical state would be impossible to fit into the can? Yeah well Four Loko did the same thing with cheap booze and caffeine. I have personally had better blackouts and hangovers from tequila compared to my 3 or 4 Loko nights.
From all of my and my closest friends experiences between the ages of 16 and 18, there were pretty much two outcomes, both beginning with complete blackout followed by being a coma for 2 days, or in my own experience not sleeping for 2 days. I would count out the number of questionable decisions I have made from a Four Loko night, but I just can’t fucking remember them. Now they plan on releasing a 14% alcohol content can which screams stomach pumping emergency room nights for high schoolers nowadays. So if you enjoy drinking probably the worst tasting alcoholic beverage and want to have one for the novelty just be warned, you WILL regret it, and you can never take back whatever happens afterwards. Oh and a little sidenote, you see the Watermelon Four Loko you’re about to purchase…doesn’t taste a thing like Watermelon. Be like Uncle Rob here and buy yourself 3 or 4 of them, since they no longer have any caffeine, just supplement it with 2 of the largest RedBulls you can find, strap yourself in, and hold on for the ride on the blackout train.