I don’t know what is wrong with me. But when I have too much coffee and/or booze in me I think of the weirdest shit. So as I sit here buzzing off this dark roast and attempting not to run to the throne, I thought… “If I brought the gang from Mario Party to the bar, what would they drink”.. And because of that, this dumb ass blog was born.
Mario: Vodka Soda– With a Lime. Mario is realizing that his potbelly just isn’t hot anymore. So he thinks, “hey lets get rid of the extra calories and drink vodka sodas.” Mario sits down at the bar after a long day, hand on his head, and pounds vod-sod’s. After he gets 3 or 4 in him, he is the creepiest little man at the bar, and is making everyone uncomfortable. He is on the dance floor ripping it up while his head is spinning. He is seeing 3 of everything. Mario soon gets thrown onto the curb from the beefy bouncers.
Luigi: Long Island Iced Tea. Luigi loves to black out and talk to chicks. Luigi slams Long Island’s until his debit card gets declined. Shows up to the bar, wearing a wrinkly dress shirt from 4 years ago that smells like B.O and stale cigarettes, always forgets money for the cover charge, and will disappear around midnight and claim that “everyone left him” but he just got lost walking around trying to find food. Ends up paying $100 for a 10 minute Uber. Claims he will never drink again, and then gets even worse the night after. Luigi is a liability, but is a good time.
Peach: Red Wine. Peach just “can’t even”. Peach shows up to the bar after a long day of work at Kohl’s and drowns her sorrows in red wine. She does’t even want to be talked to until she hears “can I buy you a drink” and then accepts the free drink and then walks away. Absolute savage. Peach doesn’t get too drunk because she always loses her cell phone. After too many glasses of Pinot Noir, Peach smokes cigarettes. But “only smokes when she’s drunk”. Potential crying, and/or fist fight at the end of the night, GUARANTEED.
Daisy: Tequila Sunrise. Daisy is an undercover alcoholic and hides it by drinking fruity drinks. She orders tequila sunrise’s instead of just getting straight shots of Cuervo. As soon as she gets to the bar, her phone is out and she is Snapchatting everything from taking a piss, to Peach grinding on a fat old married man. Forecast: Daisy will text her ex.
Toad: Shirley Temple. Toad is a bitch and doesn’t drink. He will order nachos for the table.
Toadette: Vodka on the rocks. Toadette gets as drunk as possible, as quick as possible because she’s so mad that she is with Toad who is obviously a pussy. She loves to go out and listen to loud music but Toad never wants to. He just wants to sit home and watch Animal Planet. But Toadette? Nah. She’s a fucking wild child. Get her a few Kettle’s on the rocks and she is the coolest bitch you’ll ever meet. Everyone loves when Toadette is around. She cracks jokes, she slams drinks, dances on the bar, and is the ultimate wing-woman. Don’t let the innocent look fool you….
I don’t know why I hate Toad so much.
Wario: Jack Daniels. He will start off with a couple Jack’s on the rocks and then when he finally realizes he isn’t impressing anyone he will switch over to Jack and Coke. No one likes being around Wario because he gets way too drunk and becomes an annoying fat fuck. This guy can drink though.. Always ends up spending a few hundred at the bar and can’t go out for the rest of the week(been there). Wario is the first person at IHOP the morning after drinking.
Waluigi: IPA’s. When you go to the bar with Waluigi he will analyze the beer menu until he finds a 9% imperial stout that he can get. 4 of these to the dome and you are wrecked. You can catch Waluigi outside chain smoking Camel Crushes and talking about how he “isn’t really a bar guy”.
Now that’s a Mario Party
I know I forgot a few, but they are animals and animals don’t drink.
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