Doubt and panic has continued to spread this week, as media outlets around the world scramble to answer one of the greatest questions of our time – “What is a ‘Pokémon’?”. No end seems to be in sight, as the deadly, detrimental, dangerous anomaly known as “Pokémon” has eluded the comprehension of major media outlets for over two decades. Taking a quick look at some of the local news headlines, one could surely see for themselves that all hope is certainly lost:
Have you seen people walking around recently, glued to their phones? Chances are they might be using a popular new smartphone game everyone seems to be playing. The new app Pokémon Go was released within the last week and it has already gained a large amount of users from kids to adults. -WEHC 10, Rochester, NY
If you’ve been on the internet — or, um, outside — lately, you may have noticed that a game called Pokémon Go is suddenly taking the world by storm. It may have you wondering, especially if you were born before 1984, just what the hell is going on. -Vox.com
The mobile Nintendo game, which now has more daily U.S. users than Twitter, has brought the cartoon pocket monsters to life and has users frantically searching to “catch ’em all.” Confused by all the commotion? Here’s what you need to know about the Pokémon craze that’s sweeping the nation. -NBC Nightly News
Yeah, so, wait… What? As you can see, we’re having some serious issues here with pop culture and the media. Every news anchor on earth knows all of the Kardashians’ names, shoe sizes, and dental history – but for some reason we’re having trouble grasping one of the most popular franchises in media history (that has been a thing since, y’know, 1996)? I’m stunned. Shoutout to my Mom, who listened when I watched Pokemon every Saturday morning as a kid, brought me to Toys R Us to get demolished in Pokemon Card tournaments, and gave me JUST enough in allowance when I was younger to afford at least one pack of cards every once in a while. Donna gets it, but somehow everyone else is acting like aliens actually just landed on the planet and that we’ve been completely blindsided by their arrival.
This is like the Terminator coming back in time, warning you that some bad shit is gonna happen, and you still fall right into it anyway and act like you had no idea. Wait, no, this is like Arnold Schwarzenegger himself coming to your house, taking your phone, SETTING A REMINDER FOR YOU, giving it back to you, and you still have no idea when the time comes. How is the media this unprepared for it? Pokemon has been out for two decades. Y’know what else has been around for two decades? Most news anchors! How is it possible that they don’t have their collective shit together by now? Aren’t some of you newer news anchors young enough at this point to have AT SOME POINT during your lives heard of a Pokémon before? How does this work? Do you go to News Anchor College and get completely neuralyzed of anything you experienced in childhood? At what point do they give you your cool news anchor name? You can’t tell me Wolf Blitzer is a name that humans are just born with.
I need answers. Maybe some of you news anchors out there can explain to me the way your world works a little bit, and in exchange I’ll tell you whatever you wanna know about Pokemon. Sound good? Great. See ya then. Til then, go ahead and follow @WickedGoodGames on Twitter, and hit up the new Instagram at @WickedGoodGaming.