This week, Nintendo gave us another look at a new batch of Pokemon to be featured and caught in the new Pokemon Sun and Moon. I’ve previously talked about the new starters from Sun and Moon, and to be honest I thought they were cool for the most part, and I had my hopes pretty high to see another batch of awesome-looking island Pokemon to accompany the games’ tropical theme. And then I saw this sad bunch.
To be honest, I can’t tell if these Pokemon were genuinely designed to be actual parts of the game, or if they were the product of some LSD-induced fever dream where the animators and designers just started scribbling shapes on napkins of new Pokemon ideas. Either way, these new monsters look pretty fucking wacky (even by Pokemon’s standards), so I’m convinced this was the scene at Nintendo HQ just before they released the images of the new Pokemon from Sun and Moon this week:
I didn’t know you liked to get wet, Nintendo? If you don’t believe me, here is a breakdown of each new monster, ranked in order of weirdness, of course.
7.) Fat Gray Pikachu
Okay, this one isn’t so bad. It’s a cute, little, gray ball of electricity – it just happens to look like the aftermath of a Minun eating a Plusle, and then about sixteen stacks of pancakes per day for 4 years. Not awful, but definitely the most convincing and “normal” of the bunch. Its depressing that the most “normal” looking out of this group happens to just look like Pikachu. Next.
6.) Scary Flaming Broken Bat Piñata
What kind of candy was inside this piñata before it was broken open? I’m thinking it had to have been all hot candy and like, cheese sticks? You ever go to a birthday party where the candy in the piñata was already all melted and shit because each kid took his sweet ass time to break the fucking thing open? Man I hated that. Especially the birthday kid, who would take EVEN LONGER while his parents fumbled with their goddamn camcorders before the kid wiffed 60 times and cried because his little baby arms weren’t powerful enough to break the cardboard animal shell. Then they give the bat to Little Papa Dom and I step up to the plate and jack that piñata up onto 495 with candy showering over the entire neighborhood. La Luna. Anyway this Pokemon isn’t bad.
5.) Kinda Cool Mini Transformer Airplane
Alright, this one is a little strange, but I can dig it. This is clearly another Bug-type, but it also could be a Chevy Malibu that transforms into a fly/bat hybrid. Or it could be a fighter jet, come to think of it. I feel like that might be a little more realistic. This Transformer isn’t bad, and I hope the new Transformers movie gives it the spotlight it deserves.
4.) Yellow Four-Legged Mosquito
Ah yes, the yellow four-legged mosquito. I can’t so much as call this one “weird” as I can “out of place”, because it doesn’t really look totally different than its animal inspiration… It just looks like a sickeningly cute cartoon rendition of a mosquito. Like, if Nintendo produced an anime series where animals were people and all cutesy and shit, this would be the main character. Or maybe like a supporting character, I dunno. Either way, meh.
3.) Green School Bus With Closed Doors
Wow. Oh me oh my, this thing is pitiful. I’m thinking right off the rip that this guy’s probably a 2nd-tier evolution from some Bug-type into another, but then again I have no idea. This thing could be a Steel/Fairy type for all I fucking know and it could be 6-feet tall and 400 pounds and could carry other Pokemon around town inside of it to bring them to school or work or whatever. Either way, wow this is bad.
2.) Falcor From The Never Ending Story
I don’t know what to do with myself here. Is this a dog? Like a poodle with weird eyes? Or is it a Chinese New Year float with a different color palette? Are we sure this isn’t another piñata type like the one up above? Maybe its made of a cloud? I’m at a loss for words. Someone help me out. This thing looks like a three-year old’s fingerpainting of the lovechild between a mop and a labradoodle. I’m sick.
1.) Jynx’s Pet Goldfish
And here we have the worst of the bunch. It was a tossup between this and the furry watering can up above, but I have to concur that this thing is the weirdest looking Pokemon I’ve ever seen. This makes “Grubbish” and “Luvdisc” and “Vanilluxe” look like Nobel Prize-winning design ideas. This thing looks like it got dumped into a bucket of pastel-colored makeup and flushed down a toilet only to end up in a small glass bowl on Jynx’s dining room counter.
And there it is, your look and analysis of the new Pokemon that Nintendo has to offer. I’ve gotta be honest, this batch has made me much less excited for these new games, but I will definitely still be buying Sun regardless. After all, there’s always a few exceptionally weird ones so maybe Nintendo’s just ripping the band-aid off and showing them to us now… Right? They can’t all be this bad… Right? Right!?