Over the course of my life, I’ve probably had 5 billion games (ballparking here) in my life eaten, destroyed, or otherwise. As a kid, my dog took a huge shit all over my favorite N64 controller, even after desperately washing the controller off (it was a third-party metallic gold one, I had no choice), it still reeked of dog shit and the paint melted off afterwards. No joke. Sometime after that, my little brother used my GameBoy Color as a drumstick (and my coffee table was the drum), annihilating my beautiful Atomic Purple GameBoy and my first play through of Pokémon Blue in one swift move. I’ve even owned cats that’ve eaten (and subsequently puked up) Nintendo DS cartridges.
The point is, I knew I needed some help with the upcoming Nintendo Switch’s tiny cartridges, and Nintendo has answered my prayers. You see, I have an adorable 1.5 year old nephew (hi Leo, Uncle Dommy loves you), and he LOVES electronics. Xbox One controllers, TV remotes, iPhones, anything with buttons – really. Hilariously, he’ll even drop the thing right where he is when he figures out that his button mashing isn’t eliciting a response from the TV. Believe me, it’s a hoot. Luckily he’s not very tall, or else my Xbox One controller would be in pieces right now. Naturally after seeing my adorably destructive nephew this past weekend, I had a Final Destination-esque flash-forward of Leo scarfing down my Nintendo Switch cartridges, and spiking the console itself onto the ground.
While the latter I can control (that thing will never enter his line of sight), the former – I probably cannot. Babies will find a way to put shit (not literally, but maybe also sometimes literally) into their mouths, but luckily Nintendo’s got a remedy for us… By making the game cartridges taste like insecticide (according to The Verge’s Dieter Bohn). Other gaming journalists have chimed in on Nintendo’s cartridge seasoning as well, take a look for yourself:
I put that Switch cart in my mouth and I'm not sure what those things are made of but I can still taste it. Do not try this at home.
— Jeff Gerstmann (@jeffgerstmann) February 25, 2017
Apparently Nintendo made the Switch cartridges taste bad so kids won’t eat them (need to confirm) but I just licked one and IT’S SO GROSS
— Mike Murphy (@mcwm) March 1, 2017
Okay, so, turns out Nintendo Switch cartridges taste awful so kids won't eat them. I, uh, just licked one and can confirm: TASTES BAD MAN.
— Alanah Pearce (@Charalanahzard) March 1, 2017
Of course, when I read these, my first instinct was to chuckle to myself and say “haha, oh wow, I can’t wait to see how bad they taste” and then I realized – I’m the big dumb baby Nintendo probably did this for. Knowing me, I’ll choke on the damn thing and accidentally swallow it, forcing myself to sift through my own shit like that Triceratops scene in Jurassic Park so I can continue my Breath of the Wild play through. On your left is literally the conversation I was in the middle of just before writing this blog. I guess I’ll just have to keep you guys posted and let you know if I accidentally eat one. Y’know, because that’s what journalism is all about.