Thanksgiving Eve is almost here. Love it or hate it, it’s as inevitable as another Kanye West meltdown or another season of Modern Family. Some (like my Mom) call it “amateur night”, others (like Rob) call it “my personal eternal plane of torment”, but me? I just call it a good time. I’ve lived in my hometown for my entire life up until a few months ago, so this isn’t really a homecoming for me. I see these assholes on the regs every other week at the local Chinese food spot (shoutout to Peter Woo) and I really don’t feel any obligation to go out – but am I gonna go anyway? Yep. All of that being said, here are a few essential tips – from all three of us – to survive this year’s
annual High School reunion Thanksgiving Eve.
Go To A Cheap Bar
You’re already going to show up to Thanksgiving dinner hungover. So why show up hungover AND broke. Go to your local dive bar that has dollar drafts. I’m talking about the type of bar where your feet stick to the ground and the people smell like shit. Go there, grab a table in the corner with a couple pals, order 30 Bud Lattes for the table, and spend $10 each with tip. A $10 buzz is pretty much impossible now-a-days – so if you find one, jump on that shit.
Go Out With A Good Group
Make sure your group chat is popping Thanksgiving morning. Make sure as you sit at the table talking about politics and how excellent the shitty cranberry sauce was you can glare down at your phone and get a quick chuckle. At least knowing that you are not the only one at the table holding back chunks and not being able to taste the food makes the day a little better.
Side Note: Going out with a good group is important because (hopefully) you won’t have to throw down outside of the bar. Showing up to Thanksgiving with a black eye? Yikes. It will be fun trying to convince your family that you have it all figured out after showing up with a shiner.
Stick To One Type Of Drink
You know damn well that you are going to wake up feeling like your head went through a wood chipper. And you also know damn well that as soon as you see alcohol again you are going to rally. But there is nothing worse than mixing 5 different kinds of alcohol the night before so you can’t drink anything the next day without feeling like dirt and remembering how awful of a decision it was to buy 4 tequila shots last night.
Drink beer so you can drink mixies no problem when you show up to the family gathering.
Cider+Fireball=Blackout Everyone Saw Coming
No matter how appealing apple cider spiked with Fireball sounds, smells, and tastes.. There is always a limit to its consumption.
Treat Your Body With Respect Before Desecrating It With Booze
Nap long and nap hard. Prep your body and mind for what atrocities you plan on putting yourself through and being well rested is always a good start.
Don’t Be A Drunk Moron
Whatever you do, no matter how drunk you get.. DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT drunk text your ex. You moved to Chicago and through rigorous self reflection and meditation, you convinced yourself her body was found face down in a ditch, and you’ve never been more accepting of anything else. Don’t throw all of that progress away.
I’m ok I promise
Have Some Facts About Your Success At The Ready
Whether they’re true or not, you’re gonna need to show up to your local gathering with some patented Papa Dom-approved #SuccessAmmunition™. Run into a buddy from high school who landed a job at Google? Man, that’d be sick except you just landed a job at NASA. Is it true? Maybe not, but your buddy isn’t gonna sit there and fact check you, he’s gonna say “WHOA, good for you dude, see you around” and move right down the line to talk to someone else. This brings us to our next tip.
Keep The Convos Short
Ask yourself: Do you really want to be chest-to-chest in a MOBBED bar with a bunch of sweaty drunks all while attempting to hold together an in-depth conversation about global warming, the Bildeberg Group, or what characters on Westworld you hope aren’t really human? No. You don’t. So keep it light. Instead of “SO, HOW ABOUT THAT ELECTION” (cause you know they’ve got an opinion and a four-paragraph essay on Facebook already) ask “How bout those [local sports teams]” and keep it moving. If we’re keeping it a buck, they don’t wanna have those talks either, but they might feel obligated if you start it. So don’t be that guy.
This is, in general, one of my favorite tips for any extended night out. Go to your ATM, take a deep breath, and think long and hard about what you’re really trying to spend. This calls back to Chris’ very first tip, in that you don’t wanna be spending too much. You might even end up at a bar that has a cover or only takes cash for that evening, so cover your own ass and be smart about it. Last year I withdrew my budget, cover money, and a little extra for a beef 3-way and cheese fries too. This you know exactly what you’re gonna spend, and you don’t have to wait 30 minutes for the bartender to find your card in a stack of 30 other cards to close our your tab at the end of the night. Just finish your beer, slap down your cash, and Irish Goodbye like you invented it.
And that’s all we’ve got for you. If you follow these simple steps, you too can come out feeling like a winner on Thanksgiving Eve. Be safe out there, roll with a good crew, and don’t be a fucking moron and drive drunk. Carpool with with that one friend from high school who’s still Straight Edge for some reason or call a cab.
Got any other tips for Thanksgiving Eve survival? Hit us up on Twitter at @WickedGoodGames.