It Is My Duty As A Video Game Journalist To Review These Pillsbury Lava Cakes
Last night, I got sent on an errand to get more trash bags for my apartment. Since I’m the most through shopper of all time, I came home with trash bags, a family size pack of “Mega Stuf” Oreos, and an interesting product that my inner overweight child simply couldn’t resist – Pillsbury’s “Chocolate Lava Mini Pies”. As someone who’s been previously conned into buying pre-packaged frozen White Castle burgers, and as an extremely slow learner, there were two simple reasons why I absolutely had to pick these up.
1.) It said “NEW!” in the top right-hand corner of the box, and I’m the biggest sucker/consumer of all fucking time.
2.) The instructions seemed simple enough – also located next to the “NEW!” statement, “Simply bake and ice!”, how bad could these possibly be?
And honestly? For a quick warm chocolate fix, they weren’t bad at all. Let’s start with the box. You see what’s happening here. Pillsbury guy, happy as hell that you’re about to snag these off the shelf. The cakes themselves, looking appropriately delicious, including an icing pattern that could surely only be achieved by use of a laser level, a stencil, a compass, and an ordained minister to pray for your steady hands.
As it turns out – the lava cakes didn’t really look much like the example on the box. I know – shocker. I took the cakes out of their plastic enclosures, accompanied by one Toaster Strudel-sized icing packet for each cake. What I didn’t expect, however, was the frozen cakes to look like brown, freezer-burnt raviolis. Yikes.
To be honest, the cakes didn’t exactly look super appetizing before, during, or even after they were cooked. On your left, you can see what appears to be four pieces of charcoal oozing a suspect brown jelly as it cooks in my oven.
This is what it looked like even after it made the journey to my plate. I’ve gotta level with you here, boys and girls – I wasn’t super confident in these from the beginning, but by this stage in the game, I was too hungry to care. On top of that, I’ve got my journalistic duty to all of my readers who need the finest in video game journalism. And lastly, I’ve eaten uglier things than this and I’m still alive – so who am I to judge, right? Right. So let’s press on.
Here’s the finished product. Four objects that could very well be oozing black holes to another dimension, which actually turned out to honestly be a batch pretty tasty chocolate things. That’s right, I said it, they were pretty damn good. The icing was a nice touch, but if I ever pick these up again I’m gonna throw a nice heap of vanilla ice cream on top along with it, because that’s the only thing these were really missing. These weren’t exactly moist or “cakey”, they were more crunchy or chewy than anything else. The filling inside was good. It was essentially just hot fudge.
So, in closing, Pillsbury’s absurd attempt at easy-bake lava cakes ended up more like crispy chocolate raviolis, but its okay. These were like four bucks, so if you need a quick chocolate fix, and you aren’t really gonna be looking at what you’re eating, then Pillsbury’s “Chocolate Lava Mini Pies” might just be what you’re looking for.
Verdict: 3 really deep James Gandolfini breaths out of 5.
What are your favorite dessert guilty pleasures? Hit us up on Twitter at @WickedGoodGames and lets be friends with zero health benefits.
