In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, You Can Buy a $6000 Toilet

Here’s a brief list of how the state-of-the-art “intelligent toilet” will change your life.
It has a heated seat.
Speakers with wireless streaming capability.
Warm-air dryer.
Warm water cleansing.
Automatic flush.
Hands free opening-closing lid (no more fights with the wife on who left the seat up!).
Touchscreen remote.
Foot warmer.
Nightlight (ambient lighting).
Adjustable water temperature, pressure and spray.

So, there’s “fuck you, money” and then there’s “I just bought a $6000 toilet so I don’t have to shut the lid on my own because my toilet has a touch screen remote, money”. This might be the most uncalled for item of all time. The worst thing of all time is when you’re on the thrown too long browsing every social media outlet that ever existed and before you know it you can’t feel your feet. You crawl back to your room like your in last stand in Call of Duty. You would think that this $6000 toilet would find a way to prevent that with state of the art architecture, but no. They are encouraging you to sit there for 45 minutes with a heated seat, foot warmers, and Bluetooth speaker.


A couple other worries that stand out to me fall in the hands of the heated seat, the Bluetooth speaker, and the nightlight (a fucking nightlight).

Nightlight: Who in the history of taking a dump ever said, that was a mediocre deuce, I wish this toilet seat had a nightlight. Zero people. “Oh my God, I missed the toilet. If only there was a night light” (I guess that one is determined by how much you drank)

Heated Seat: Let me put this into perspective. Have you ever smelt a garbage truck? Great. Have you ever smelt a garbage truck on a 90 degree day? Yea. Picture that with a steamy one in the bowl.

Bluetooth Speaker: My biggest fears are the dentist, airplanes, and leaving my Bluetooth connected by accident and opening up a fire porn video. Moans blasting throughout the house. Everyone knows what you’re doing in there. You know for damn sure this toilet has some sick speakers. You sit down to blow off some steam and bang, the toilet starts screaming and telling the rest of the house where to put the cucumber.

Hard pass on this toilet.

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Chris P.

Drinker of booze, writer of blogs, tweeter of tweets, puncher of desks.

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