It Is My Duty As A Video Game Journalist To Review McDonalds’ New “Grand Mac”

January 26, 2017 Papa Dom

Let me start this blog by stating the obvious, the Big Mac is an American institution. A flawless marble bust on a plinth of liberty and justice for all. The Big Mac is one of the top three most American things of all time, right behind Hulk Hogan Leg Drops and just ahead of Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”. The Big Mac need not be altered, but McDonalds has done that anyway by releasing the new Mac Jr. and Grand Mac, out this week.

Apparently, McDonald’s made this change following a USA Today report that only one in five millennials have tried a Big Mac. *record scratch* wait – what?!

I’m gonna go ahead and slam on the fucking brakes of this blog for a hot second – what did these kids grow up eating? I’ve been deleting Big Macs since my grandpa first started taking me to McDonald’s in his Lincoln Town Car every single time my mother would drop me off to hang with him. I don’t even know what counts as a “millenial” these days but the fact that only 20% of this shitbum generation has tried a Big Mac strikes me as unnatural and highly disturbing.

Anyway, yes, the Big Mac now comes in two additional sizes. The Mac Jr. is a single-patty version of its iconic father, and the Grand Mac boasts larger patties and an extra slice of cheese. You might be thinking to yourself “that doesn’t sound like that much”, but believe me – I pounded down a Grand Mac and was breathing like a pug with sleep apnea for at least two hours afterwards. The Grand Mac with a large fry sidecar is not a meal to be trifled with, unless you’re like me (a habitual overeater), in which case you will feel right at home with it.

This is what the Grand Mac did to my hunger, and my arteries.

As far as the review goes – it need not be longer than this – If you like Big Macs, you’re gonna like the Grand Mac. Period. It’s just more of one of the greatest sandwiches ever assembled with the same harmonious balance of ingredients that you’ve come to know and love. Unless you’re one of the 80% of millennial who hasn’t tried a Big Mac, in which case I’ll say to you – there’s never been a better time to try one.

I don’t stop eating when I feel full, and I definitely don’t stop eating when my pants are down around my ankles or when the self-loathing starts to kick in. I stop eating when my own breathing sounds like the kind you’d hear in a Notorious B.I.G. sex interlude (RIP). If you find that you’ve got the same appetite, then the Grand Mac is absolutely for you. Just make sure you don’t have anything productive to get done afterwards, ’cause you’ll be moving real, real slow.

FINAL SCORE: 5 episodes of My 600lb Life out of 5. Go get one.