Why Was I So Angry At Doom Last Night?

I am a solid 6 beers, 4 vodka redbull, 3 Dr. MacGillicudys nips, and 2 pistachio shots deep, but I am still sober enough to say that we can all watch the Doom Movie as a horrible fan fiction film.

I’ll fucking tell you what we can learn from the Doom Movie, you fucking leave Karl Urban out of the game. I can only go so far back as to when the last time I thought to myself, “oh wow what a great performance by Karl Urban.”. Look, I will give him Star Trek, but Dredd was kind of lame, and then from there…..well, we can only go back to Doom The Movie. Karl buddy ole pal, I want you to only be Bones from Star Trek, just stick to that. Also, keep everything in first person.

I will play the new Doom game when it comes out, but I can promise you that if there is any portion of the game that is in the 3rd person, I will return the game and replay Dead Space for the 5th time. If I want to play a 3rd person space horror game, I will fall back on Dead Space every fucking time. If at any point I go from 1st person perspective to 3rd person, even if it is in a cutscene, I will forever give up on Doom. Hard Fact from the Movie… 3rd person does not work. The only good part of that movie was the last 8 minutes where it is 1st person. I want to see this Mars Marine’s feet, arms, gun, fuck it throw his dick in, I don’t care, but the only time I want to see the main protagonist’s face is if I myself choose to look into a mirror in a bathroom away from the hell demons trying to rip my soul out from my asshole.

I don’t want character development, I don’t want a super detailed plot, I want to run and gun my way through hell with an assortment of weapons that make my human a superpowered lawnmover with the demons being a plot of crab grass, sprouting up at the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to feel like Kratos mowing through a squadron of minions with an enormous assault rifle or shotgun that no mere mortal on Earth could wield. If you want to throw in the Big Fucking Gun, that BFG, then do so. Make me feel even more overpowered over these hell spawns.

What makes the original Doom games so great is your feel for movement and power. You run through a level with the shotgun and 1 or 2 shot demons into oblivion. I don’t want survival horror, or item managements, I want a plentiful amount of ammo for an arsenal of weapons that make demons look and feel like elementary school zombie kids on the playground. Another suggestion, throw The Rock in there at some point. One of the few redeeming factors of the movie was Dwayne The Motherfucking Rock Johnson being an antagonist towards the end. If you give me a tiny little cameo, whether it be the Marine looking at a Rock on Mars and making a comment about his wrestling career, all the way to Johnson showing up in the game itself, I just want a reference.

Hey Romero, put your floating head in a secret location in the campaign if you want to be satisfied, but make me WANT to play this game. Take what you know works from the original Doom games and reimplement them into the new game with a few cool cameos to make the videogme/film fanbase on board. I have had my fair share of slow paced tactical gun gameplay, but what I really want from Doom, is a “mind off, trigger on” blaze my way through hell experience. If you can deliver that to me Doom, then I will be satisfied. If you cannot, the I will watch the Movie again, be disappointed and play Dead Space to make me feel whole once more.

That is all I got for you right now, so I’m gunna finish up this half pound cheesy potato burrito from Taco Bell and most likely hate myself in the morning.