Handicapping Tiggy’s Beer Mile
If you don’t listen to the podcast – first of all, you’re a dummy. Secondly, you probably haven’t heard that Tiggy’s going to be doing a Beer Mile this Sunday (9/10/23) in the blazing Arizona heat. It’s a punishment for last year’s fantasy football season, but he also promised our viewers that he’d do one in lieu of a beer chug live on-air – so the pressure has never been greater for Mr. Nation.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the rules of a Beer Mile, here are the basics: drink 4 beers and run 4 laps around a track in alternating fashion as quickly as you can. In this case, the beer also needs to be 5% ABV or greater… And Tiggy himself has expressed the utmost confidence that he’ll be crushing his previous best time of 10 minutes and 53 seconds.
Tiggy has mentioned that there are people betting on this Beer Mile, so I’m going to go ahead and throw a few props and lines at you in case you’d like to follow along at home, here we go.
Tiggy DNF (+1000)
Never in a million years could I see Tiggy not finishing this. He’ll at least cross the finish line. This bet is for pure degenerates and/or Tiggy Haters only, of which I can only assume there are zero.
Tiggy Pukes (+650)
This one I just don’t see happening. First of all, Tiggy’s a vet and as someone who respects the troops, I just can’t put it out there in the world that he’s gonna ralph all over a track while trying to crush beers and run fast. These colors don’t run, but Tiggy does (and frequently), so I would like to think that he’s in good enough shape where yakking up his beverages becomes a reality.
Tiggy Beer Mile PR (+150)
This may seem generous, but Tiggy’s been putting in work on the track and (thanks to my Strava research) has been running anywhere from a 6:30-7:30 minute mile for weeks now. The slowest I’ve seen him run is around 8:15 per mile, but that was across a three mile stretch. But since we’re only doing one mile here, I trust that he’ll be PRing this Beer Mile with ease. If his best is around 6:30, and we’re adding a minute for every beer – that brings us to 10:30. I don’t have any evidence of Tiggy’s chugging abilities (I’ve only ever seen him chug a Topo Chico seltzer, and we weren’t racing), but I can’t imagine he doesn’t PR this.
Final Time Under 10:25 (-200)
I have nothing but respect for our Nation’s Armed Forces and Tiggy as an individual, but this is a tough sell for me. The man’s drinking 4 BLNums, and at 6.0% ABV apiece are nothing to sneeze at. Unless he is absolutely deleting those beers while running and setting a serious pace for himself, I don’t know if I’m hitting this bet with that much confidence.
So there you have it folks. I don’t know much about gambling, and I may not be great at running – but I do know Tiggy and boy do I know beers. Make sure you tune in at Twitch.tv/TiggyNation around 10am Eastern time this Sunday to catch all the action, athleticism, and alcohol and see how these props shake out.
Good luck Tiggy, make us proud.
