It Is My Duty As A Video Game Journalist To Review PBR’s New “Hard Coffee”

As someone who’s spent a significant amount of time in my life playing video games, you can imagine the horrors I’ve put my body through. Junk food, booze, and other strange beverages have all made their way (mostly) through my system.

One time in high school, Johnny Rootbeer (friend of the program and my husband in The Elder Scrolls Online) and I emptied out my entire freezer and baked an entire tray of miscellaneous frozen foods before marathoning Halo 3, or Rock Band, or something else. Worst thing about that? No other substances were involved whatsoever. We were just hungry, and had no regard for what was going into our bodies. I’m dismayed to report to you that little has changed since then.

If you’re someone with such a discerning, distinguished palate as I have – you only reach for the finest beverages. And at my advanced age, if something even has a whiff of caffeine in it, I’m probably going to consume it. I’m no spring chicken, and at this point my Clausometer’s just about shit the bed. Papa needs a little jolt.

So imagine my surprise when I was perusing the grocery store(‘s booze section), and came across a wondrous new creation – Pabst Blue Ribbon “Hard Coffee”. The cute little beige box just beckoned to me from the dairy aisle, and as the world’s most gullible consumer – I decided to pick up a 4-pack.

Typically, I drink my coffee black. One large black cold brew per day, and I’m set. I’ve been trying to wean myself off as much caffeine as I’m used to, so some days I’ll even go for less than that. However, last weekend involved one hell of an outing with some friends, so I figured I could pre-game and wake myself up while hopefully getting a little buzz on.

PBR’s Hard Coffee is sweet (but not too sweet), but its the richness that made me decide “yep, one is enough” upon my first sip. If you’re into that sort of thing though, this could be your jam. It has a milky texture to it (not unlike Starbucks’ bottled coffee drinks), and doesn’t really taste boozy at all. The “kick” is absolutely there, thanks to its 5% ABV. A friend told me PBR’s Hard Coffee tasted like a Yoo-Hoo, and he was pretty on the money with that. I’d also lovingly dub PBR’s creation as the “working man’s espresso martini”.

What was most disappointing for me about PBR’s hard coffee, is that it’s made from arabica and robusta coffee beans – but only contains 30 milligrams of caffeine. That’s just a fraction of what your normal cup of coffee contains, so if you’re looking for a buzz aside from a boozy one, you’re gonna have to fire up your Keurig and pour a real cup of coffee to bridge the gap.

All-in-all, I really do think PBR’s Hard Coffee tastes good, but I’m just not quite sure who its really for. I can’t see these as a go-to when gearing up for a night out, but I wouldn’t mind one as a once-in-a-while thing. I can foresee bartenders making some pretty lethal concoctions with this, but outside of that – I’m not convinced you’ll see it on many bar menus.

If you like coffee-flavored stuff (or Yoo-Hoos), or if you’re just looking for a different flavor or texture than your typical pre-game drinks, PBR’s Hard Coffee might just do it for you. There’s a nice little kick, but if you’re hoping for a jolt to keep you awake – you’re gonna want to look elsewhere. You can pick up a 4-pack for yourself for about ten bucks, so it might be worth a curiosity purchase next time you’re at the store.

3 outrageously bad sugar-induced hangovers out of 5.