Clash of the Millennium Begins As Church of Bigots Struggles For Control of Their Own Pokemon Gym

July 12, 2016 Papa Dom

Earlier this week, a Pokemon Go trainer named Pinknose and her Clefairy named “Loveislove” made headlines when they captured a [Stupid Asshole Bigot Church’s] gym inside the game, making a pretty awesome statement against the infamous church whose name we’ve chosen to omit… And given their hateful rhetoric I wasn’t surprised to read this morning that they’re none too pleased with Loveislove the Clefairy occupying their gym.

“We try to speak whatever language is being spoken,” said [Supreme Moron Assface], an elder at the church… “Pokémon Go and sin no more. That’s what the lord Jesus Christ said,” he added. The church has gotten a mix of responses on social media, from those expressing support and criticizing it. One person challenged the group to a Pokemon battle… It was unclear at press time whether a Pokémon battle has ensued between the Clefairy and Jigglypuff.” -USA Today

First of all, I have no desire to give [Stupid Asshole Bigot Church] any more free publicity than they already have, because fuck them, but I’ve gotta be honest here – this is a laugh out loud funny news story. Like while other major news outlets are covering global crises, the presidential election, and other world issues – we’ve got USA Today covering the clash of the century, nay, the millennium, nay, the WILLENNIUM, Loveislove the Clefairy versus [Stupid Asshole Bigot Church’s] Jigglypuff. What a story. What a battle of two pink titans. Personally, I can’t wait for the ESPN 30 for 30 on this, and the subsequent Michael Bay dramatization starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Wahlberg. The real question is, is [Stupid Asshole Bigot Church] gonna wimp out or are they gonna put their Poké-currency where their mouth is and battle this kid? Shit would be unreal. HBO is probably foaming at the mouth right now to make it a PPV event.

Sidenote: Much love and support to all our LGBTQ friends and readers. We got your back if you ever need a partner in a 2-on-2 Pokemon battle, beer pong, or a spotter on a bench press. #loveislove

Side-sidenote: What are the vegas odds here? We’re putting the kids’ college funds on Loveislove right? You wanna talk all-time locks? Loveislove in a rout.

Side-side-sidenote: Once again, we have no desire to give [Stupid Asshole Bigot Church] any more free publicity than they already have, but this article was too hilarious not to comment on. It’s still fuck those whackjobs, though.