Let me just get this out of the way in the beginning, I don’t give a fourth of a fuck that Anheuser-Busch is owned by AB-InBev, a company based in Belgium. I don’t care that my beer snob friends hate Budweiser for whatever number of reasons. You know what I do care about? America. And that’s why I’m going to be buying the SHIT out of these sexual new Budweiser cans as soon as they hit shelves.
Are the proceeds going to a charity to fund bald eagle reservations? Probably not. But at the same time, they probably are. I haven’t cracked open one of these beauties yet, but I’ll bet my life savings that the beautiful crack, hiss, and pop when you open the can sounds EXACTLY like the Hulk Hogan theme song, if it was being played by the Immortal One himself while riding on the back of a monster truck while simultaneously grilling an entire pack of hot dogs on a smoldering pile of communist corpses.
This isn’t the first time Budweiser has had an outrageously patriotic can design. Just a few years back, the good Belgians Americans at Anheuser-Busch came out with the “Ameri-Cans” (not sure if that was their actual name, but that’s what I called them) and needless to say it was the only thing I drank that summer. Personally? I fucking love Budweiser. Bud Heavies made me the man I am today (slightly overweight). I don’t know about your baseball teams, but Fenway Park charges a month’s rent for a beer, and the only way to combat the outrageous charges are to head over to Baseball Tavern before the game, and slug 20 $2 Bud drafts before first pitch. Boom, take me out to the ball game and call me a cab on the way home.
And once you get in the park, why bother spending an extra $3 on a craft beer? So you can sit and admire the hops bouquet on your $15 IPA when you already paid $60 for bleacher seats? Get the fuck out of here. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good IPA (Green Flash what up?). I LOVE trying new beers, and I couldn’t be happier that Sam and Brooklyn Summers are back, and we’ve even been shouting out new beers companies every week to highlight what we’re drinking during our D&D games… But at the end of the day – the only thing more obnoxious than bragging about your own personal taste in beer, is ostracizing somebody else for theirs. So shut up, enjoy your game (video, sports, or otherwise), enjoy your freedom to drink whatever the fuck you want, and enjoy a whole case of America whenever Budweiser decides to pull the trigger on this temporary rebrand. In the meantime, don’t be a dick about your beers.
P.S. – If you don’t think I ordered one of these jackets off Amazon already then you don’t know me well enough.
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