As I woke up this morning, had some nice cold AJ I thought to myself.. “If I could build a lineup in backyard baseball today, I’d be unstoppable.” I would be the best coach to ever teach these kids. I could change their lives. I could bring them to the ship. I might be taking this a bit too serious but fuck it.
Pete Wheeler- Petey is an absolute, under the radar stud. This kid can get the bat on the ball and go for extra bases if need be. If Pete can poke the ball into the gap he’s GONE. In the parker, 1-0. He might run like he has a hot, steamy one dripping down his leg but big deal. The kid can move. We need this kid on base and if not he’s fucking benched. Some people think that Pete has zero idea what he is doing on the field and I kind of agree. His baseball IQ might be extremely debatable but who cares, the boy can play. Peter’s speed is a huge asset in his out fielding ability. He covers a lot of ground and tracks down tons of fly balls.
Achmed Khan- This kid is just pure, raw talent. With the ability to get the bat on the ball if he sees the right pitch. Some may think it’s tough running with these giant headphones on his head, but not Achmed. That’s what makes this kid so special. Achmed has no problem taking the extra base while running but I solely think that it is because he can’t hear the coaches screaming at him to stop. I wonder what he’s listening too. We need Achmed batting second to put the bat on the ball and drive in Pete Wheeler. He kind of worries me though, I’m not going to lie. He kind of looks like a psychopath. He is the type of player we need on this team.
Pablo Sanchez- THE SECRET WEAPON. Need I say more? This kid is the best athlete of all time. Baseball field? Home-runs. Football field? Touchdowns. Soccer field? Goals. And I heard he makes a mean chili. This kid actually does it all. We need Mr. Weapon batting third because if he doesn’t put a hole in the fence from the laser beams coming off of his bat then we can use him on the base path. Pablo’s discipline at the plate plus his elite contact ability makes him a force to be wrecked with. I will be putting Pablo at short stop because he can get the a ground ball in a hurry and also has a great arm at first base. You can play this kid anywhere and he will destroy the competition. Rumer has it that Pablo Sanchez has been smoking cigarettes since he was 8 years old. When I grew up and my teachers asked me who I wanted to be like when I got older, I’d answer Pablo Sanchez. Next question.
THE KIESHA PHILLIPS- Absolute manic at the plate. Standing at 6 foot 8, 265 pounds, Kiesha is the Lebron James of backyard baseball. Get the fuck out of the way when Kiesha is coming down the first base line because she has no problem hit-sticking you off of the bag. The power that Kiesha presents at the plate is unheard of. Absolute raw power. She could sneeze on the ball and put it 400 feet. Some often check her birth certificate because she plays with 8 year olds and drives herself to the games. The spectators are often frightened by the screaming line drives that come off of her bat. Don’t let her size fool you, she can BOLT around the bases. I will be having Kiesha play first base because tough shit she isn’t playing anywhere else.
Mikey Thomas- Who actually might be one of the nicest people on the planet, with a weird obsession for rice pilaf. Mikey Thomas has been playing baseball ever since he was a young boy so his fundamentals are off the charts. Mikey is fat and can’t really run on the bases. So that is why we are batting him fifth for some clutch RBI’s and possibly a dinger or 2. With this big lefty in the line up it will shake up any defense. You cant even bench this kid because he cries and then his parents call me. I will be playing Mikey at third base because he can get in front of the ball, block it and hopefully throw a few people out.
Luanne Lui- This girl has wheels but her stuffed animal smells like shit. If Lulu can just get the bat on the ball, it is very likely for her to beat out any ground ball. She shows an extreme amount of heart and this is the type of girl you need on this squad. Lulu has been working on her bunting ability for a while and now she can bunt in her sleep. With her extreme bunting ability and speed, the infield will play close. If Ms. Lui recognizes this she will hit a missile down the third baseman’s throat. Luanne Lui is going to be our Ace of a pitcher this year. Her fireball is a pitch that not many people in the league can catch up to. With that pitch coming in at a whopping 95 MPH, she can also dip down to 80 MPH with her circle change up. What a player.
Ernie Steele- He might have the skinniest neck and most awkward proportions in the league but he is a great all around player. His ability to play any position in the field with ease is one of a kind. Growing up, Ernie’s family wanted him to play basketball but Ernie had a dream to play baseball. Batting at the number seven spot, Ernie is going to shock the opposing team because that deep in the lineup you usually don’t find someone with the skill set like Ernie. If I could change anything about him it would be the high-water pants that he wears. They just look ridiculous.
Tony Delvecchio- This kid is just OK but, every here and there he will do something incredible. He honestly might be the coolest video game character I have ever seen. He just looks like he wears denim jackets and always has a cigarette behind his ear. That’s really the only reason I’m putting him in the line up, because he’s the coolest person I have ever seen.
Jocinda Smith- Jocinda has went under the radar in the Backyard industry. But not to me. No way no how. She is one of the best athletes that this game has and no one even talks about her. I am batting Jocinda (MVP) Smith ninth because who is going to expect this SAVAGE to be batting last? No one. When she gets up and the other team isn’t too worried, they are going to throw her a meatball. BOOM. 350 foot ROPE over the left/center wall. And don’t forget her fielding ability. Gold Glove material.
And there you you have it. Coach Chris coming at you live with the lineup of the century. I got my New Balances on, short shorts and a whistle around my neck coaching the living fuck out of this team. Next stop, Disneyland.