Not all heroes wear capes, not all heroes have years of martial arts training, but the true mark of a hero is being able to make a split-second decision of what to do if a robber comes charging at them, and all they’re armed with is a shopping cart. Let’s take a look at how this hero handled it:
BANG!!! Hold that!!! Yellow shirt over here is minding his own business, wheeling his groceries back to his car, when a would-be robber starts sprinting through the parking lot while chased by (what I assume is) a security guard or cop. Mr. Hero wastes no time, lauches the shopping cart across the lane, and causes the robber to eat pavement.
So, what if Mr. Hero was a D&D character? Let’s break down his stat block, attribute by attribute, and see what makes the anatomy of this shopping cart-wielding samaritan.
Breaking Down The Stats
For those unfamiliar with the traditional D&D ability scores, it goes like this. There are six attributes, each of which get a score that determines a character’s capabilities in different situations. As a quick explainer on what each stat does, lets defer to the old “Tomato” analogy:
Strength is being able to crush a tomato.
Dexterity is being able to dodge a tomato.
Constitution is being able to eat a bad tomato.
Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad.
Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad.– Ancient Proverb
Once you understand what each stat does, you can focus on assigning values. Typically, characters with an ability modified of “0” are just average at that thing. +5 is typically as high as most characters get, and -2 or worse in any stat is usually enough to ensure you’re never going to want to rely on that character for that skill. For example, a character with a +3 in Intelligence is likely one of the smartest people you know. A zero likely means they can do basic head math. Any minuses probably means you shouldn’t count on them to remember how many fingers and toes they have. Without further ado, lets put together this stat block.
🦾 Strength (+1)
The Cart Crusader here launched the shopping cart with enough force to make sure it rolled straight (you know how those shopping carts can be), but not enough to break the robber’s kneecaps. We know my man is strong, and maybe he was practicing some restraint, but video evidence suggests his Strength isn’t much higher than average.
❤️ Constitution (+1)
This is a tough one. Constitution has to do with your hit points (which we have no evidence of), and also lends to Fortitude saves, which measure ones ability to stand up to physical punishment or attacks against their vitality and health. I’d say given that this guy didn’t puke on himself during this situation, he at the very least deserves a +1.
👟 Dexterity (+4)
Here we go baby, the Cart Crusader’s signature stat. You need to aim a cart at a runaway bad guy? He’s got you covered. Dexterity applies to throwing, catching, dodging, and anything else that requires quick physical reflexes. If sniping a robber with a shopping cart from 20 feet away doesn’t make you a Dexterity expert, I don’t know what does.
🧠 Intelligence (-1)
You can’t have it all, I’m sorry. I’m sure after “holy shit that worked”, the next thought in this guy’s brain was “what the fuck was I thinking?”. Was this awesome? Yes. Was this idea well thought out? Absolutely the fuck not. What if the cart completely misses and smashes into a car, or (even worse) veers off due to a crooked wheel and stops the police officer? At best you’ve got an insurance claim on your hands, and at worst you’re getting tasered by a pissed off cop. Heroes aren’t always the brightest, but they get the job done. Also, he left his fucking groceries behind.
🔮 Wisdom (+3)
Wisdom has to do with perceptiveness, common sense, and reflect ones resistance to mental influence and other fear-based effects. As you can see above, the mayor of Cart Projectile city plants his feet squarely as soon as he hears and sees the robber coming (Perception), and immediately Will Saves against the Fear check to keep his nerves calm, and do the right thing. Wisdom’s a clutch skill, and Eric Cart-man has it in spades.
😁 Charisma (+1)
This last one’s tough as well, but I’m willing to give him a gift of a +1 here. Look at the arms up in celebration. There’s no doubt in my mind that our hero comforted the entire parking lot with his irresistible charm after helping to subdue the criminal, and for that he gets a respectable +1.
+1, +1, +4, -1, +3, +1. A respectable stat spread for a respectable (yet unlikely) hero. Surely he’ll be on the lookout for other bad guys to stop so he can continue leveling and honing his skills, but in the meantime I’m just curious how much XP he got for stopping this one.