It’s midnight on a Tuesday. I worked an 11 hour shift at the hospital. When I got home at 7:30 tonight I decided to just get in bed and catch up on some of the “horror” movies 2021 had to offer, that I just so happened to miss. Don’t Breath 2 was one of the dumbest sequels created, stemming from a great original, reverse home invasion of the first. But I just couldn’t sleep after and now I refuse to sleep until I let the world know that Old is not only M. Night Shyamalan’s worst film, but also the worst movie I have ever seen. Period. Hard Stop.
I get it, Shyamalan’s movies just aren’t for everyone. I personally loved Signs and thought The Village was alright. Lady in the Water is one of my more underrated movies from him and The Visit was genuinely a brilliant film. But Old. Old…. M. Night Shyamalan you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. Where the fuck do you get off? Who greenlit this heaping pile of human shit? I’m not putting a SPOILERS warning, because they spoiled the entire movie in the fucking trailers. Wanna save yourself a headache, high blood pressure, and an hour 48 minutes of your life? Watch the trailer then block M. Night Shymalan content on Youtube from your algorithm.
You wanna know what old is about? A bunch of poorly developed cliché throw away characters, most with some form of illness, get invited to some hotel where they set them up to see some awesome secluded beach that’s totally top secret and only the lucky guests get told about. Ya know what happens on that beach? Anyone on it gets fucking old and dies. That’s it. That’s the movie Old. A dozen people get escorted to a private beach where the ancient rocks magnetize the cells in their bodies to rapidly age. The old lady dies first because of course she would. A rapper known as “Midsized Sedan”…..yes you read that correct, rapper, Midsized Sedan was invited because of his rare blood disease gets stabbed to death by a CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER doctor who has schizophrenia. It has to be all caps because he screams it 45 times. His trophy wife with a calcium disorder gets kyphosis (extreme curvature of the spine) and her bones crumble into a broken heap in a cave. A psychiatrist with epilepsy doesn’t have an episode until she decided she wants to get off the beach (convenient) and all the kids visually age rapidly while the adults all look the same until they die and their body and bones turn to dust.
This is gunna be all over the place but for fucks sake I can’t stay consistent just like the aging can’t stay consistent in Old. Here is a list of everything wrong with M. Night Shyamalan’s Old.
- The characters are awfully developed and none of them matter. You have no attachment to any of them.
- The trailer spoiled the entire movie….except for that one twist at the end (I’ll get to it).
- Old has hands down, THE WORST writing I have ever witnessed in film. There is Twin Peaks levels of uncanny valley, but no human being speaks the way they speak in Old. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be fired and if its my good pal M. Night, you gotta retire. Fuck it retire anyway.
- Magnet rocks make people age fast. OLD MAGNET ROCKS MAKE PEOPLE OLD
- The children are the only ones who visually change….because they got older actors to show it.
- The adults just always look the same. Only changes are, the doctor get schizophrenia faster, his wife gets kyphosis, the dad goes blind, the mom goes deaf and also has a tumor grow rapidly, epilepsy psych conveniently doesn’t have a seizure until she tries to leave.
- The 6 year old children who age to adulthood in 3 hours have sex, then have a baby delivered off screen in 38 seconds and guess what? The baby dies. You wanna know how the baby died, medically speaking of course? Well according to Midsized Sedan, and this is a direct quote that hurts me to type, “the baby died due to lack of attention”. I’m sorry Mr. Midsized Sedan. What the fuck did you just say? The baby died due to “lack of attention”?
What the actual fuck are we doing here M? “The baby died due to lack of attention”? On a beach, surrounded by old magnet rocks that make people grow old fast. That’s it? That’s the line? You heard that while filming and thought to yourself, yeah that’s sounds right, good job Midsized Sedan, great delivery. You either made this movie to troll us all or you are actually delusional. Maybe it was both, but come the fuck on man, “the baby died due to lack of attention”. You could have said an invisible chupacabra drained its blood while nobody was looking and THAT would have been better than “the baby died due to lack of attention”. I fucking hate you.
- Everytime they try to leave the way they came in they have a headache and just appear back on the beach. The nurse character tries to explain it as how divers have to slowly ascend to avoid decompression sickness aka the bends. Yeah whatever that character was actually fine overall.
- The only actual conflict if when the schizo doctor tries to kill people, it’s dumb. Dumb character, dumb writing for the character, bad acting, awful interactions.
- Instead of anyone actively seeking like a cave or following the beach they just run around from one person dying, to a baby dying due to lack of attention, to bodies washing ashore. Nobody (besides the decent nurse) tries to DO anything. It is just people playing out their cliché tropes I.e psychiatrist keeps telling everyone “we should all talk about it”. Shut the fuck up, we should talk about who let this movie get to theaters.
- At one point the former kids who are now middle age adults find a journal from SOMEONE, who knows who it was, but they apparently knew all about the OLD MAGNET ROCKS and decided to write it all down, and the one smart thing I heard the entire movie was, maybe we can make a metal tube and block the magnets as was we try to get out. Brilliant of course that was how they escaped right? Nope.
- Everyone dies besides the 6 and 11 year old children who hit their 50s in a day, one had sex, had a child, lost it due to lack of attention, then remembered the little boy he befriended at the resort made him a cypher to figure out. 6 year olds are super spies now, and the cypher said “my uncle doesn’t like the coral”. K thanks kid.
- They escape through the coral all the while good old M. Night is watching and recording them as Trial 73 because….wait for it……titular big M. Night Shymalan twist time…. big pharma is rapidly testing new drugs on people and it speeds up the trial process.
THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS. THE MORAL OF OLD IS DON’T TRUST BIG PHARMA
The surviving kids, now adults show back up at the resort after some innocuous head of the trials makes statements and they tell a cop they met AS KIDS THE DAY BEFORE, here’s a diary, all these HUNDREDS of people who have been missing died on that beach. Hundreds of people just missing, nobody makes the connection they all went to the exact same resort, they all had some medical maladies and just vanished? What fucking world do you think this takes place in? It’s earth, Yeah Earth with newly risen OLD MAGNET ROCKS, but when hundreds of people go missing ALL tied to the same resort SOMETHING would have happened before Trial 73. Holy fuck why am I even trying to rationalize any of this, this movie is actual hot garbage. Anyway the movie ends Resident Evil style, the former kid now adults fly off in a helicopter with random cop from resort A, cut to credits.
I don’t know what was going on in M. Night Shyamalan’s head throughout this process. I don’t know which strung out coke writer put together the dialogue for these actors. I don’t know what was worse, the actual direction of the movie or the writing, but they were both god awful. I don’t know if I’ll ever watch an M. Night Shyamalan movie again. What I do know is I will never get that hour and 48 minutes of my life back and I will never forgive you for it Mr. M. Night. I need to go wash my eyes out with bleach and eat an edible.
0 – Babies Dying Due to Lack of Attention – out of 5
Do not watch this movie, please, I beg of you.
And don’t you dare get mad at me about the baby stuff, I didn’t write the fucking script, I didn’t make this movie and if I did, I’d find that beach and stay there for the rest of my short pathetic life. I have seen a lot of movies. I have seen a lot of horror movies. I have seen a lot of dumb horror movies. I have seen a lot of bad horror movies. This is arguably the worst.