Nintendo is holding their first full Nintendo Direct presentation since 2019 tomorrow.
More importantly, it’s the 25th anniversary of my favorite video game of all time in just a few short weeks.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. March 9th is the 25th anniversary of Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. And to commemorate this incredible anniversary for my favorite game of all time – I have decided to write the most bitter (yet most correct) blog in the history of this website. I’ve compiled a definitive list of the 25 things that Nintendo is absolutely NOT*** going to do in observance of this milestone.
CUE THE MUSIC!
- Super Mario RPG gets a full remaster
- Super Mario RPG get an actual sequel
- Super Mario RPG is added to Nintendo Switch Online’s offering of digital SNES games
- Nintendo holds a commemorative Post Malone concert for Super Mario RPG’s 25th anniversary
- Mallow is added to Smash
- Geno is added to Smash
- Mallow is added to Mario Kart
- Geno is added to Mario Kart
- A Super Mario RPG Forest Maze playset is released for the Mario LEGO toy line
- “Year of Croco” season of content is announced
- Culex assist trophy is added to Smash
- Super Mario RPG-themed Animal Crossing furniture is announced
- Star Road is mentioned ever again in any Mario title
- Super Mario RPG Burger King toys
- Nintendo announces a Booster’s Castle Train Set Hot Wheels Track
- Partnership with Peeps brand to create Mallow-shaped marshmallow Peeps
- Toadofsky spinoff rhythm game where you make songs by jumping on Tadpoles
- The Chancellor of the Mushroom Kingdom is never referenced again, as he was an empty suit and government puppet
- Bring back Jonathan Jones, literally the second coolest character in the entire game (he’s a shark pirate you guys)
- Return us to such iconic locales as Rose Town, Seaside Town, or Booster’s Tower
- Add a real life Forest Maze to the Super Mario theme park
- Create another game where Mario and Bowser are forced to team up to defeat a greater evil
- Ever partner with Square Enix again on anything
- Announce another Mario roleplaying game that doesn’t have anything to do with stationery or art supplies
- Acknowledge the game’s existence whatsoever at tomorrow’s Nintendo Direct
And there you have it. Never gonna happen***. Ever***.
But if it did happen, literally any of these things…
I’d probably cry.
***DISCLAIMER: In the unlikely event that any of these things actually occur, I reserve the right to claim that I knew this was going to happen all along, and to act as though I had full confidence it was going to happen from day one. Thank you for your time.